Some friends and I
In a public house
Were playing cards one night
Into the room the barman came
His face all chalky white
“What’s up?” says Brown
“Have you seen a ghost?
Have you seen your Aunt Mariah?”
“Oh me Aunt Mariah be buggered!” said he
“The bloody pub’s on fire!”
“On fire!” says Brown
“What a bit of luck
Everybody follow me
Down to the cellar, if the fire’s not there
We’ll have a rare old spree!”
So we all went down after good old Brown
Booze we could not miss
And we weren’t there 5 minutes or more
‘Til we were all half pissed

And there was Brown, upside down
Lappin’ up the whiskey off the floor
“Booze! Booze!” the firemen cried
As they came knockin’ at the door
Don’t let them in till it’s all mopped up
Somebody shouted “MacIntyre” (MacIntyre!)
And we all got blue blind
Paralytic drunk
When the Old Dun Cow caught fire

Then Smith went over
To the port wine tub
Gave it a few hard knocks
Started takin’ off his pantaloons
Likewise his shoes and socks
“Hold on!” Says Brown
“We can’t have that!
You can’t do that in here!
Don’t go washin’ your trotters
In the port wine tub
(Seattle:) When we’ve got all this Rainier beer
(Orig:) When we’ve got all this Lite beer”

Just then there came an awful crash
Half the bloody roof gave way
We were drowned in the fireman’s hose
Still, we were going to stay
So we got some tacks
And our old wet slacks
And nailed ourselves inside
And we sat there swallowin’
Pints of stout
Till we were bleary-eyed!

Then there came from the old back door
The vicar of the local church
And when he saw our drunken ways
He began to scream and curse
“Ah, you drunken sods! You heathen clods!
You’ve take to a drunken spree!
You drank up all the Benedictine wine
And you didn’t save a drop for me!”

Late that night, when the fire was out
We came up from the cellar below
Our pub was burned, our booze was drunk
Our heads was hanging low
“Oh look!”, says Brown with a look quite queer
Something raised his eye
“We gotta get down to Murphy’s Pub
It closes on the hour!”